Major Threat

Phil Knight, founder of Nike, has made reservations for his own special spot in hell, where his entrails will be turned into strings for demonic tennis rackets, his legs ripped off and used as bats in an interleague softball game between Nazis and pedophiles, his eyeballs lobbed against the wall's of Satan's personal squash court. All of the above body parts will grow back continuously, Prometheus-style, only to be desecrated again, while a shrill imp sitting on his shoulder screams into his timpanic membrane JUST DO IT! JUST DO IT!

Knight already deserved some harsh karmic retribution for turning a blind eye to the overseas sweatshop labor that's helped to build his empire, as well as doing his part to make this world a more soulless and ugly place by stamping the obnoxious SWOOSH onto the brain of the planet. But he has surely invited some unholy wrath upon himself for being the man responsible for the ad campaign behind Major Threat, this summer's incarnation of the sneaker company's annual skateboarding tour. In case it escaped one that the tour's name should invoke thoughts of Minor Threat, the legendary early 80s hardcore band, Nike is more than happy to appropriate the group's imagery. As posted at Skateboarding.com, the tour's annoucement literature is emblazoned with a solarized b/w photo of a young man sitting on a stoop, holding his shaved head in his hand--an exact replica of Minor Threat's iconic album cover. The only difference between the two is that, unlike the band's "Discography," the Major Threat poster is filled in with blue instead of red, and the mystery boarder wears a swoosh on his every piece of clothing.

And no, we haven't entered some parallel universe where former Minor Threat frontman/Dischord Records maven Ian MacKaye would cede permission for such an obvious "borrowing." According to indie music news site Pitchforkmedia.com, Dischord was not even contacted regarding Major Threat. A Dischord spokesman told Pitchforkmedia, "Nike represents just about the antithesis of what Dischord stands for and it makes me sick to my stomach to think they are using this explicit imagery to fool kids into thinking that the general ethos of this label, and Minor Threat in particular, can somehow be linked to Nike's mission. It's disgusting."

Phil Knight is, of course, merely the head of this lumbering beast shitting all over us. I also wish a slow, disease-ridden death for the punk traitor who proposed this "appropriation" in the first place. Any marketing asswipe who recognized the Minor Threat album cover and its power, and sees in it not an eternal symbol of youthful rebellion or memories of his own punk rock days or simply a kick-ass album, but rather a way to sell more sneakers, is the kind of person we need to invent a death squad for. He is a person that believes all memories, all sensations, every last shred of human emotion can ultimately be a gateway to purchasing--that this, in fact, is the ultimate goal of all human activity.

Anyone out there with a shred of punk rock in them--even if you just listened to one Misfits album once at your friend's house--should swear this: that if you meet this person and know that he is the hollow shell responsible for this crime against humanity, that he shall not leave your sight without, bare minimum, a mouthful of loose teeth.

Who's with me?

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