The 2000 presidential campaign season is barreling to its end with the speed and passion of a tree sloth, and for the 42nd consecutive time, a Rich White Man will be the leader of the Free World. Far be it from me to question this system, since Rich White Men have given us such amazing innovations as the Spanish Inquisition, Agent Orange, and the McDLT. However, I find it's very difficult to tell Rich White Men apart from one another (I know you're not supposed to say that, it's very un-PC, but we're all thinking it, ain't we, water-cooler buddies?). That is why George W. Bush and Al Gore are so desperate to separate themselves from one another in the public's mind, to little avail. Since the two are Rich White Men down to the core, they both maintain the Rich White Man platform, despite their respective party's positions.
In an effort to discover any differences between Bush and Gore, I cruised over to their web sites, georgewbush.com and algore2000.com. I imagined that Bush's site would be graphics-heavy and Flash-enabled, reflecting his party animal past. In contrast, I thought that Gore's sight would be more business-like and practical, with a text-loving, McSweeney's-like layout.
However, even on the web, the Rich White Man herd mentality shines through. Both pages are laid out with the craftsmanship of a bank calendar. There are lots of rectangles with rounded corners, lots of pull down menus that go nowhere of interest, and lots of simple graphics that look stolen from a free domain register site. Both candidates are shown with their running mates, looking like real estate 'teams' that you see in the House For Sale giveaways that are piled up in every supermarket (Thinking of relocating to Bergen County? Then think of us, Gore and Lieberman, realty kings of the greater Paramus area since 1978...).
Just when I despaired of figuring out a way to tell the candidates apart, I discovered that both Bush's and Gore's sites do brisk business in official campaign gear. After all, in the modern world, it's not layout or artwork that distinguishes our leaders--it's their merchandise.
A click on a denim shirt on George W. Bush's site will send you to his online campaign supply store, georgewbushstore.com. Bush's stock is mostly geared toward supplying his supporters with the means to pollute their surroundings using placards, posters, calendars, and other displayable forms of tree murder. Many of the products that Bush offers reflect his aristocratic roots: polo shirt, denim hat, and golf balls with big W's printed on them. A windswept, twilit beach and khaki drawstring shorts is all that is needed to complete the Tommy Hilfiger ad these wearables suggest.
Some of the more interesting items Dubya offers are the ham-fisted results of his efforts at inclusion. There are a series of products featuring the logo "W. Stands For Women" (as in, "Women, stay at home with the kids, and for God's sake, don't vote on November 6."). I can just picture someone addressing the Texas governor as 'George Woman Bush,' and a bloody fistfight ensuing. The store loudly proclaims that it has Spanish Products, though this section is limited to a hat and a T-shirt. Both of these items have "George W. Bush Para Presidente" printed on them, but you would need a magnifying glass to tell them apart from their English counterparts.
The most ridiculous item the Republican nominee offers is George W. Bush For President Bottled Water. The site insists that "George W. Bush drinking water comes naturally from underground springs in the heart of Kentucky's famous Blue Grass region." This is bizarre even if you forget that someone with Bush's atrocious environmental record is selling anything 'natural'. The ludicrous sight of George W. Bush Drinking Water on your computer screen will send you spinning out of your chair, either laughing hysterically or ready to start a fire. And while Kentucky's Blue Grass region might be famous, it is not, to the best of my knowledge, famous for anything other than its namesake. Brooklyn is a famous region as well, but that doesn't mean you should drink any liquid dredged from the Gowanus Canal.
The Spalding Group is the proud manufacturer of all of Bush's campaign effluvia. They boast that the last five Republican presidential nominees have employed them to make their stickers and buttons. Their motto is "We Elect Republicans," despite the fact the last two Republican presidential campaigns were unsuccessful. Perhaps they are focusing on less tangible moral victories when they display bumper stickers they produced for the ill-fated Bush/Quayle 92 and Dole/Kemp 96 campaigns, or maybe they're just hoping that you've forgotten who won.
Al Gore, the panel of balsawood from the Blair Mansion, has three web sites hawking his wares. The most extensive of these is goregear.com, which says that it has both the largest selection and the lowest prices. This confused me at first, since it's not to Gore's advantage to have his official campaign suppliers engaged in a price war. Then again, Gore has always been a virulent supporter of an unbridled free market, as embodied by the WTO and NAFTA. So by letting three stores duke it out for market supremacy, Gore is merely showing his true dedication to capitalistic ideals.
Like Bush's tent, Gore's caravan trades in oodles of wastes of paper to wave and things to stick on other things with his name on it. The distinguished gentleman from Tennessee must firmly believe in the power of buttons, since his store sells at least 300 different varieties. Most of these badges make long semantic stretches for the sake of a cute little pun, and beat Ionesco hands down for pure absurdity. My personal favorite is a button featuring a dinosaur, with the logo "Gore-Asic for Gore" (yeah, it took me a half hour to figure it out, too). There is something in the store called a Neck Strap ID Holder, but I personally defy anyone to tell me what the hell it really is. It is very unsettling to look at, since it vaguely resembles something dirty that you shouldn't talk about in polite company, but I don't know what and I'm afraid that I'm going to figure out.
Although goregear.com insists that all its products are union-made, the store features some very un-proletarian items. There is a rather large Jewelry section, featuring such baubles as money clips, cufflinks, and tie slides chiseled with the veep's handle. I can only guess what constituency is being courted with these trinkets, since money clips are only used by mobsters, cufflinks have not been in wide usage since the days of Bertie Wooster, and I don't even know what the hell a tie clip is.
As befitting a good Democrat possessed of Rich White Man guilt, Gore has some conciliatory products touted as Outreach Merchandise. There is an incessant string of buttons aimed at all the oppressed peoples of the earth, from gays and lesbians to the disabled. The most embarrassing of the lot, however (and keep in mind that this distinction is saying quite a lot), is the series of Jewish Outreach Merchandise. Exploiting running mate Lieberman's Semitic heritage, these items shamelessly trawl 4000 years of history for campaign slogans. The worst by far are a series of pins featuring menorahs lined with "Gore 2000" written in a Hebrew-esque font. One of their buttons strolls into the territory of Masonic imagery, with a Star of David, formed by a yellow and purple triangle interlaced with each other, blasting rays out into the stratosphere. While I am not Jewish, it appears that neither was the designer of this regrettable merchandise.
There is also a limited-edition hand drum with the slogan TIPPER ROCKS written on it. I refreshed the page seven times just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating when I saw this. I assume this is a playful reference to the fact that Ms. Gore used to play drums in a band when she was in high school. However, the fact that a musical instrument is used to commemorate the matriarch of the PMRC proves once and for all that irony has gasped its last breath.
Neither store is particularly advanced when compared to other online shopping sites. There are no instant checkouts or immediate customer recognition as seen on Amazon or CD Now. Nor does either site accept such internet-only means of payment such as Pay Pal, popular with eBay freaks. The Bush store is easier to navigate, though it inexplicably uses menu buttons that resemble someone sticking their tongue out at you. Although Gore claims to have invented the Internet, he is sorely lacking in e-commerce savvy. My attempt at buying a Gore 2000 button resulted in a surreal experience when my shopping cart remained empty, despite may pushes of an Add To Cart button.
If you must vote for either Bush or Gore, I suggest making your choice by checking out the merchandise each candidate is selling. See whose products are more to your liking, since there seems to be no other discernible difference between the two honkeys. And remember that, no matter who wins, you can rest easy knowing that the finger on the button will once again belong to a Rich White Man, all of whom have the same basic inventory and price tags.The 2000 presidential campaign season is barreling to its end with the speed and passion of a tree sloth, and for the 42nd consecutive time, a Rich White Man will be the leader of the Free World. Far be it from me to question this system, since Rich White Men have given us such amazing innovations as the Spanish Inquisition, Agent Orange, and the McDLT. However, I find it's very difficult to tell Rich White Men apart from one another (I know you're not supposed to say that, it's very un-PC, but we're all thinking it, ain't we, water-cooler buddies?). That is why George W. Bush and Al Gore are so desperate to separate themselves from one another in the public's mind, to little avail. Since the two are Rich White Men down to the core, they both maintain the Rich White Man platform, despite their respective party's positions.
In an effort to discover any differences between Bush and Gore, I cruised over to their web sites, georgewbush.com and algore2000.com. I imagined that Bush's site would be graphics-heavy and Flash-enabled, reflecting his party animal past. In contrast, I thought that Gore's sight would be more business-like and practical, with a text-loving, McSweeney's-like layout.
However, even on the web, the Rich White Man herd mentality shines through. Both pages are laid out with the craftsmanship of a bank calendar. There are lots of rectangles with rounded corners, lots of pull down menus that go nowhere of interest, and lots of simple graphics that look stolen from a free domain register site. Both candidates are shown with their running mates, looking like real estate 'teams' that you see in the House For Sale giveaways that are piled up in every supermarket (Thinking of relocating to Bergen County? Then think of us, Gore and Lieberman, realty kings of the greater Paramus area since 1978...).
Just when I despaired of figuring out a way to tell the candidates apart, I discovered that both Bush's and Gore's sites do brisk business in official campaign gear. After all, in the modern world, it's not layout or artwork that distinguishes our leaders--it's their merchandise.
A click on a denim shirt on George W. Bush's site will send you to his online campaign supply store, georgewbushstore.com. Bush's stock is mostly geared toward supplying his supporters with the means to pollute their surroundings using placards, posters, calendars, and other displayable forms of tree murder. Many of the products that Bush offers reflect his aristocratic roots: polo shirt, denim hat, and golf balls with big W's printed on them. A windswept, twilit beach and khaki drawstring shorts is all that is needed to complete the Tommy Hilfiger ad these wearables suggest.
Some of the more interesting items Dubya offers are the ham-fisted results of his efforts at inclusion. There are a series of products featuring the logo "W. Stands For Women" (as in, "Women, stay at home with the kids, and for God's sake, don't vote on November 6."). I can just picture someone addressing the Texas governor as 'George Woman Bush,' and a bloody fistfight ensuing. The store loudly proclaims that it has Spanish Products, though this section is limited to a hat and a T-shirt. Both of these items have "George W. Bush Para Presidente" printed on them, but you would need a magnifying glass to tell them apart from their English counterparts.
The most ridiculous item the Republican nominee offers is George W. Bush For President Bottled Water. The site insists that "George W. Bush drinking water comes naturally from underground springs in the heart of Kentucky's famous Blue Grass region." This is bizarre even if you forget that someone with Bush's atrocious environmental record is selling anything 'natural'. The ludicrous sight of George W. Bush Drinking Water on your computer screen will send you spinning out of your chair, either laughing hysterically or ready to start a fire. And while Kentucky's Blue Grass region might be famous, it is not, to the best of my knowledge, famous for anything other than its namesake. Brooklyn is a famous region as well, but that doesn't mean you should drink any liquid dredged from the Gowanus Canal.
The Spalding Group is the proud manufacturer of all of Bush's campaign effluvia. They boast that the last five Republican presidential nominees have employed them to make their stickers and buttons. Their motto is "We Elect Republicans," despite the fact the last two Republican presidential campaigns were unsuccessful. Perhaps they are focusing on less tangible moral victories when they display bumper stickers they produced for the ill-fated Bush/Quayle 92 and Dole/Kemp 96 campaigns, or maybe they're just hoping that you've forgotten who won.
Al Gore, the panel of balsawood from the Blair Mansion, has three web sites hawking his wares. The most extensive of these is goregear.com, which says that it has both the largest selection and the lowest prices. This confused me at first, since it's not to Gore's advantage to have his official campaign suppliers engaged in a price war. Then again, Gore has always been a virulent supporter of an unbridled free market, as embodied by the WTO and NAFTA. So by letting three stores duke it out for market supremacy, Gore is merely showing his true dedication to capitalistic ideals.
Like Bush's tent, Gore's caravan trades in oodles of wastes of paper to wave and things to stick on other things with his name on it. The distinguished gentleman from Tennessee must firmly believe in the power of buttons, since his store sells at least 300 different varieties. Most of these badges make long semantic stretches for the sake of a cute little pun, and beat Ionesco hands down for pure absurdity. My personal favorite is a button featuring a dinosaur, with the logo "Gore-Asic for Gore" (yeah, it took me a half hour to figure it out, too). There is something in the store called a Neck Strap ID Holder, but I personally defy anyone to tell me what the hell it really is. It is very unsettling to look at, since it vaguely resembles something dirty that you shouldn't talk about in polite company, but I don't know what and I'm afraid that I'm going to figure out.
Although goregear.com insists that all its products are union-made, the store features some very un-proletarian items. There is a rather large Jewelry section, featuring such baubles as money clips, cufflinks, and tie slides chiseled with the veep's handle. I can only guess what constituency is being courted with these trinkets, since money clips are only used by mobsters, cufflinks have not been in wide usage since the days of Bertie Wooster, and I don't even know what the hell a tie clip is.
As befitting a good Democrat possessed of Rich White Man guilt, Gore has some conciliatory products touted as Outreach Merchandise. There is an incessant string of buttons aimed at all the oppressed peoples of the earth, from gays and lesbians to the disabled. The most embarrassing of the lot, however (and keep in mind that this distinction is saying quite a lot), is the series of Jewish Outreach Merchandise. Exploiting running mate Lieberman's Semitic heritage, these items shamelessly trawl 4000 years of history for campaign slogans. The worst by far are a series of pins featuring menorahs lined with "Gore 2000" written in a Hebrew-esque font. One of their buttons strolls into the territory of Masonic imagery, with a Star of David, formed by a yellow and purple triangle interlaced with each other, blasting rays out into the stratosphere. While I am not Jewish, it appears that neither was the designer of this regrettable merchandise.
There is also a limited-edition hand drum with the slogan TIPPER ROCKS written on it. I refreshed the page seven times just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating when I saw this. I assume this is a playful reference to the fact that Ms. Gore used to play drums in a band when she was in high school. However, the fact that a musical instrument is used to commemorate the matriarch of the PMRC proves once and for all that irony has gasped its last breath.
Neither store is particularly advanced when compared to other online shopping sites. There are no instant checkouts or immediate customer recognition as seen on Amazon or CD Now. Nor does either site accept such internet-only means of payment such as Pay Pal, popular with eBay freaks. The Bush store is easier to navigate, though it inexplicably uses menu buttons that resemble someone sticking their tongue out at you. Although Gore claims to have invented the Internet, he is sorely lacking in e-commerce savvy. My attempt at buying a Gore 2000 button resulted in a surreal experience when my shopping cart remained empty, despite may pushes of an Add To Cart button.
If you must vote for either Bush or Gore, I suggest making your choice by checking out the merchandise each candidate is selling. See whose products are more to your liking, since there seems to be no other discernible difference between the two honkeys. And remember that, no matter who wins, you can rest easy knowing that the finger on the button will once again belong to a Rich White Man, all of whom have the same basic inventory and price tags.
